Stoke 1 Rovers 0: ‘Give me liberty, or give me death’ – The Tesco Revolution is gathering steam.

‘No-one likes us, we don’t care’ is the familiarly aggressive refrain bellowed by Millwall fans in defiance of their image as the nation’s least attractive football club. Throughout the 1980’s, the club’s fans became synonymous with the violence and intimidation that seemed to be an inherent, immovable feature of the national sport. Whether this reputation is deserved is now academic, as it continues to be worn as a badge of honour by their supporters. I was unfortunate enough to attend last season’s League 1 Play-off Final between Swindon and Millwall, and saw this at first hand as genteel West Country yokels were verbally abused to an Olympic standard. A grotesque, ogrish, obese Sarf Londoner stomped onto the platform at Baker St and threatened to decapitate an adjacent Robins fan should Swindon triumph. The victim, resembling a low-ranking civil servant with an eating disorder, was on the verge of urinary incontinence but was saved as the train pulled into Wembley Park, allowing him to make good his escape.

Further evidence is provided by a friend who chose, inexplicably, to live in South Bermondsey. He reported that upon enjoying a pint in a local watering hole he was fortunate enough to meet the chair of the Millwall Supporters Club. Noting with surprise that this position was occupied by a thirty-something female he attempted to engage in a discussion regarding gender roles in working class communities. Alarmingly, the woman responded by revealing a mouth completely devoid of dentition, and so, suffering flashbacks to sixth-form nightmares of Macbeth’s three witches, he was forced to fold his Guardian Media Supplement and run to the hills. With characters such as these representing, few clubs have managed to sustain a level of universal hatred as successfully as Millwall. Thanks to Sam Allardyce, Rovers are now beginning to challenge their position as everyone’s least favourite team.

Following the recent Fulham game, in which El-Hadji Diouf contributed to a route-one Rovers goal by pushing Mark Schwarzer to the floor, the media went into anti-Rovers overdrive. Callers to 6-0-6 were seething – how could such brazen cheating and long ball thuggery be justified they squawked? Luckily, Alan Green was on hand to enlighten a desperate nation. He blamed Allardyce for this negativity, proceeding to comment that he disliked ‘everything Blackburn Rovers stand for’. Having deconstructed the entire concept of ‘Blackburn Rovers’, he went further. Allardyce was ‘arrogant’ he proclaimed, revealing a combination of understated hypocrisy not seen since Stalin labelled Hitler as ‘tetchy’. The newspapers also put the boot in, variously describing the home side’s tactics as ‘lumpen’, ‘unimaginative’ and ‘horrible’. Thankfully, and in contrast to the Millwall fans, many Rovers fans are becoming hugely dissatisfied with Big Sam’s approach to the game and the negative effect it is having on the club’s image.

This was exemplified by the anguished female BRFC fan who phoned into The Alan Green Show reporting feelings of shame and embarrassment. After a Sunday morning spent in sackcloth and ashes, she decided to cheer herself up with a visit to Tesco. Unfortunately she soon saw a fellow shopper wearing a Rovers shirt and her emotions became overwhelming. “I just felt sorry for her Alan, I wanted to tell her that it’ll be ok, he won’t be in charge forever”. She continued to inform The Most Knowledgeable Football Journalist In BritainTM that she could no longer bear to watch this horror every Saturday, and that she wasn’t going to visit Ewood again until the tactics were revised or Allardyce was given the boot. As I sat listening at home, I wanted her to stand at the top of the fruit and veg aisle, loudspeaker in hand, urging the Sunday shoppers to begin the revolution right there and then. They could march on Ewood, armed with weapons fashioned from pineapples and the lids from sardine cans. The boardroom would be broken into, Allardyce would be hauled from office and executed in The Aqueduct car park, and we could install Simon Garner as military dictator.

So with the threat of revolution pending, did Pol Potterdyce adopt a new approach for yesterday’s game? No. Perhaps comforted by being the guest of a team with a similar ethos, he changed nothing. The ball spent long periods in the air, with Mame Diouf chasing lost causes until he could no longer be bothered, which was after about 5 minutes. Stoke scored though Walters after direct play and lackadaisical defending, and the game was lost. The Dictator immediately attacked his defenders, blaming them for the defeat, in the manner of a leader who realises that he no longer has the support of the army and his time in office has expired. All that remains now is for him to flee under cover of darkness to Madrid, and to live the rest of his days in exile within the safe haven of the People’s Republic of Bernabau. For an increasing number of Rovers fans, the coup cannot come quickly enough.

Category: Bloggers Thoughts, Ewood Latest, Sam Allardyce, Stoke City