Rovers 1 Fulham 1: Home draw triggers European bidding war for Allardyce

Re: Manager’s position, Real Madrid CF

Dear Señor Florentino Perez,

Bonjour and hasta la vista, I am sure that I need not introduce myself to you, given my international reputation as a football manager of the highest quality, but I shall nonetheless. I am Mr Sam Allardyce, currently manager of Blackburn Rovers FC in a pointless corner of the world known as East Lancashire. They used to have loads of cotton mills and that, but now they make money by selling fake crystal meth or stealing sheep. The weather is always terrible, and the staple Balti pies are made from recycled hot dogs and Bovril. Their only contributions to the cultural world are Jim Bowen’s casual racism and Diana Vickers. The football club somehow managed to become Premier League champions in 1995 but went on to appoint a series of managers who were much worse than me, and so they found themselves in the relegation zone in 2008. Luckily they realised that I was a football genius and so begged me to come and run the team. Since then I’ve saved them from relegation by signing a spitting, drink-driving wife-beater and a selection of centre forwards whose only attributes are that they are massive and don’t mind chasing inaccurate long balls from the defenders. Last season I led them to a triumphant top-ten finish, and they beat Burnley twice. Anyway, I’m sick of this horrible place and have been desperately looking for a way out since they told me that I can’t sign Kevin Davies. I note that you are currently languishing in second place in La Liga, and so I intend to save you from the perils of the useless and overrated Mourinho by offering my services as your new manager.

Let me begin by outlining the highlights from my glittering CV. After a distinguished playing career at the likes of Huddersfield Town, Limerick and Tampa Bay Rowdies, I was appointed manager of Notts County and led them to the Division 3 title after only one season in charge. Realising that I was too good for them, I went to Bolton Wanderers and earned ‘legendary’ status by coming second in the Carling Cup Final and once qualifying for the UEFA Cup. I felt that I wanted more job security and so moved to Newcastle United where I was unfairly dismissed because they wouldn’t let me sign Kevin Davies. I had won the hearts of the famous Geordie fans though, and they will always look back on my time there with fond memories, certain that I would have won the league with more quality signings such as David Rozehnal and Claudio Cacapa. I’m sure you’ll agree that this pedigree makes me unsuitable for such a lowly job as Blackburn Wanderers manager, and that my brand of direct football could save Reel Madrid from obscurity.

In England, I was the first manager to use sports psychologists and ProZone, which transformed Kevin Davies from a big lump of turgid DNA waste into the sophisticated striker of today. I also patented a cunning style of play which everyone says is brilliant. I don’t want to give too much away (I know that the pathetic ‘Special One’ will steal anyone’s tactics in his efforts to win trophies), and it’s hard to describe such an intricate, complex style of play in a few words, but it involves smashing the ball as long and as high as possible into the opposition’s box and hoping that my 6’7” centre half gets his head on it. In our match against Fulham on Saturday this worked particularly well, although I had to tell the wife-beater I signed to push their goalkeeper out of the way, as he was taller than most. Unfortunately, Fulham tried to play football on the floor and were passing and moving quickly. I wouldn’t call this approach ‘cheating’ as such, but it’s not really how the game should be played. All the journalists and pundits agreed that we don’t want to see this style of football in the Premier League and that their equaliser was ill-deserved. We were unlucky to come away with a draw, and it was the referee’s fault that we created nothing in the second half.

I’m sure that you are sick and tired of the likes of Mourinho, Capello, Hiddink and del Bosque continually touting themselves as top quality managers who’ve won championships and European Cups, and are keen to recruit someone who made the likes of Per Frandsen and Stelios Giannakopolous into world-class players of international fame. Everyone thinks that I should have got the England job, but whilst the FA continues to tolerate Capello I am free to take control of Real, and turn them into a successful team. I am happy to sign a ten-year contract for only £150,000 per week, and my only demand is that I must be allowed to sign Kevin Davies and El Hadji Diouf (we can sell Kaka and Ronaldo to fund the transfers – my son can handle all the paperwork). The poor quality of the balti pies in Lancashire has warped the minds of the Blackburn fans to the point where they would happily let Mourinho take over their team, rather than have the best manager in Europe (i.e me) in charge, so a swap deal would be the perfect solution for everyone.

I’m sure that you won’t want to let such a fantastic opportunity pass you by, and I hope my modesty doesn’t hide the fact that a lot of people say I’m the greatest manager of the modern era.

Yours sincerely,

Sam Allardycio

Category: Team News